All Your Base Are Belong To Us — The Kip Lange Homepage

Ah, yes, I was extremely stupid. I had an extra folder in the FTP path for the archives, so…nobody could read the archives (yes, yes, I’m sure everybody had a good cry).

’tis now fixed. The archives work. Peruse at your leisure.

I can’t believe I forgot this one.

Katie Holmes is not going to be allowed to say a word in childbirth, because Scientologists believes this damages the child’s psyche somehow. And saying “sh” makes them stutter. So she’s going to be stuck in the birth room, with no pain medication allowed, and a bunch of huge white placards surrounding her, reminding her to stay quiet at all costs.

She will, however, have an iPod with 300 songs on it given to her by Cruise.

Wow. What a help, Tom. What a guy!

Jesus, these people are whacked.

In case anyone wonders what I, myself, believe about God and the cosmos and whatnot, I would have to say that I am an agnostic somewhere inbetween “strong” agnosticism and “weak” agnosticism.

The link above will give you an adequate explanation of the stance, but I also must admit I waver a lot. That’s why I say I’m between those two poles. The essence of agnosticism is not disbelief in any sort of God — that’s atheism. An agnostic stance is that a human being simply cannot know whether or not God exists; we’re just not equipped to handle it. I suppose you might say that an agnostic sits around saying, “Well, the jury’s still out on this whole thing.” I break a little bit from “strong” agnosticism there, in that I do, in a sense, believe that some sort of God exists — I just believe that there’s no way you’re ever going to empirically prove that such a God exists, even with a miracle, which I would most likely write off as a freak natural occurence. Personally, I just think it’s irrelevant to speculate on the nature of God when I believe the nature of God is inherently unknowable. This is where faith steps in. You could also call the agnostic a deist of any sort who is unwilling to take the blind leap of faith (I applaud those who do, however) into a religion (I did not say “cult’) of any sort. Thus, I think the general rules to life are acting as however your higher ethical and rational reasoning dictate (my theory being if God does exist and has given us any “gift”, it is reason). In other words, I still think one should attempt to lead a “good” life. I’m just saying I have NO idea if you’re going to get into heaven if you do it, because I have NO idea if there IS a heaven.

Right. That’s about it. 🙂

Okay. I may be ranting too much about cults here, Scientology in particular, but once I get my teeth into something I worry it like a dog with a bone. Two interesting things have come to my attention:

1. Apparently Scientology and Kabbalah are vying for Victoria Beckam (formerly “Posh Spice”), and rumors report that Kabbalah may win her over. Now, I’m not exactly in love with the way celebs are flocking to “neo-Kabbalahism”, as I would put it, but if you follow the two links above, you’ll see that Kabbalah is, at least, not ENTIRELY INSANE AND WHACKO and is, in fact, based on certain Jewish beliefs dating back to the 13th century. Now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about Victoria Beckham, but one less rich person funding Scientology makes me happy. So far I haven’t seen the Kabbalah Center acting in an outrageous manner. The first time I see them use their influence to get a TV show pulled or something, I will change my tune, I promise. They’re still getting far more money than they need, but, hey, what the hell, if they can convince people to give it to them — as long as they’re not frickin’ brainwashing people into it — fine. They’re not paying for “levels”, as far as I understand (please correct me if I’m wrong). I have no problem with someone paying tithes to a particular religious organization as long as that religious organization is not completely insane, as Scientology is. Here’s what I would LIKE to see though — a few more celebrities with backbone who don’t need to join a cult to justify their existence. My current favorite is James Woods, who was recently quoted as saying, “I am sick of starring in douchebag feminist movies where I play a bad guy in a good suit.” Amen.

2. Did I mention Scientology is completely insane? One of the good people at SouthParkStudios.com directed my attention to an article linking L. Ron Hubbard with the father of modern “magick” Alistair Crowley in an attempt to create some kind of moonchild or something with another one of Crowley’s followers. The FBI was interested (Hubbard spent his last few years fleeing from the FBI, I believe), and followed up on it. Apparently the poor man who trusted Hubbard ended up losing his yacht and his wife to him, although he did seem to succeed in consummating their weird idea with some woman, that is, the other man involved bonked some woman in some strange ritual and — now here’s what I want to know — the woman in question may or may not have had a child from it and if she did, where the hell IS IT? (you’ll wonder the same damn thing if you read the link to the FBI file above).

Rant off!

Ah yes. The latest is that Isaac Hayes reportedly had a stroke and the “Church” of Scientology graciously acted on his behalf and quit the show for him. Right. Here’s a good article at HollywoodReporter.com which I think sums up the view of South Park fans quite succinctly (and, which I would really hasten to add, is THE DAMN TRUTH).

Will somebody please set up a “Rescue Katie Holmes” fund?

Like I’m not plugging South Park enough, eh? Har. Well, what the hell, I really want the viewership at a solid level so we can ram Scientologists in the back door (the way Mr. Cruise likes it, unfortunately) and get “Trapped in the Closet” re-aired.

Seriously. The Catholic Church couldn’t succeed in silencing the “Bloody Mary” episode. And Scientology ain’t got no Pope, goddammit!

Right. The new episode is on tonight (Wednesday) at 10 PM on Comedy Central. 1002, “Smug Alert”, Stan convinces everybody in South Park to buy a hybrid car. Sounds good. And no, I doubt they’re going to spend the entire season lampooning Scientology, but I will bet that the issue re-surfaces.

Right. Since we’re doing a lot of hailing of Xenu, I thought I should put an artist’s rendering of our Magnificent Lord here. Courtesy of wikipedia and a BBC special on him, I give you…XENU!

I must admit he looks a TAD fruity for a Galactic Emperor.

Have been informed by the good folks at SouthParkStudios.com that there is an online petition over here at ChefGate.info that is trying to get “Trapped in the Closet” re-aired. Go on and sign it. Xenu commands you.

Okay. I almost pissed my pants at the South Park series opener (“The Return of Chef”). Apparently a lot of other people did as well, because this episode was apparently the most highly-rated premiere since 2002.

Me, I’ve been reading up on Scientology, and holy CRAP do you have to be stupid to buy into that.

So, this is what I say:

Come, Legions of Xenu! Harken unto me! We shall liberate our most glorious Lord from his mountain prison. Then we shall build more space planes that look exactly like DC-8s, call the Thetans in for a tax audit, put them into a stupor with alcohol once again, fly them on our magnificent Space DC-8s to the moon, place them around craters, and blow them up with hydrogen bombs!

Can you believe these people have their own cruise ship?

I also propose someone write a book called The Thetanic Verses.

Thank God for their sheer pig-headed idiocy, though, because it’ll make South Park more visible, and give it even more lease to make fun of Scientologists.

As I said, I read Hubbard, too, when I was young, and his books are really horrible. No, I did not read Dianetics. I’m “pre-clear”, unfortunately.

And I like it that way. Har!

Oh man, this is great. Being a huge fan of “South Park” — I was hooked when I watched the premiere of “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe” and phoned friends everywhere — and having a sort of six-degrees-of-separation relationship with some of the people who work on it (and who did Orgazmo), I love news about South Park (henceforce referred to without quotations) pissing people off.

The latest is posted over at CNN.com, but I’ll summarize just for the hell of it.

South Park ran an episode lampooning Scientology (and Tom Cruise and John Travolta, etc., etc.) titled “Trapped in the Closet”. Isaac Hayes, who plays Chef, happens to be a Scientologist, quit the show, saying that South Park was “religiously intolerant”. Matt Stone and Trey Parker responded with an open letter saying they were sorry to see him go, and that it was interesting that he had spent about ten years, and cashed hundreds of thousands of dollars of checks, while gleefully lampooning Mormons, Muslims, Christians, Catholics — basically ever religion they could get their hands on.

The latest story revolves around Tom Cruise, who apparently demanded that the “Trapped in the Closet” episode not be re-run on a cable network where he was promoting Mission Impossible III (which, by the way, is the next Lord of the Rings, I’m sure) — or he’d pull the promotion of this Gone With The Wind epic tale. The cable network obligingly did not re-run the episode.

Matt and Trey responded with the following, which, to help the unitiated, I should explain is full of references to the “religion” of Scientology (oh God, it’s horrible, but I read L. Ron Hubbard’s science fiction — I said FICTION — novels when I was in the fifth grade or so). Anyway, here’s what they had to say, and if you know anything about Scientology, or don’t and can read between the lines, this is frigging hilarious:

“So, Scientology, you have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun. Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!”

That’s some damn funny shit right there.

Hail Xenu. 🙂