The Conservatrarian Election Cycle Process
-Last election is over. Pissed off. When will they ever understand? What the hell is wrong with them? Refuse to speak to liberal friends. Sulk. Read lots of P.J. O’Rourke.
-Can’t win ‘em all. Rebuild bridges with liberal friends, regain sense of humor, read more P.J.
-Forget about politics altogether because there’s a new videogame out.
-Wet your finger, stick it in the air, see if the wind is blowing the way of a third party. Nope. Nope. Still nope.
-Gradually begin to engage in politics more. Intensive readings of US Constitution, Federalist papers, writings of Jefferson.
-Watch the field take shape; get pissed off our candidates are all so weak.
-Briefly consider voting Ron Paul until you realize you haven’t gone totally insane YET.
-Watch recaps of the primary debates, start drinking more coffee and pacing.
-Conservative dark horse emerges; temporary excitement ensues.
-Primary comes along. Protest vote for Candidate X because the rest of them are a bunch of stinking moderates.
-Moderate wins primary, has moved extremely far to the right during the process.
-You begin defending the moderate to the liberals, explaining realpolitik to them, and that s/he isn’t as conservative as MSNBC is saying.
-Give up and simply explain that MSNBC is run by the insane.
-Now defend moderate to conservatives who think s/he isn’t conservative enough.
-Line up like a good solider. Pump the candidate, because s/he’s the best we’re going to get.
-S/he loses because s/he was a moderate.
Lather, rinse, repeat.